How Can You Help Me?

~ If a friend of mine is reading this, how can you help me? ~

I try to be self-reliant as much as possible and I’ve never been one to ask for help. I’ve always taken immense pride in being in control of my life, how I’m able to solve all my problems and how I make good things come out of bad situations.

But lately, I haven’t been doing so well.

I don’t even know where to begin. I’m not happy. I’m not my usual self. I find it hard to do almost anything. I find it hard to stick to deadlines. I don’t feel like getting along with anyone. I just feel like sitting in the quiet with a close friend of mine and do nothing, absolutely nothing. Just sit in the quiet, in the warmth and safety of a friend with my mind at ease.  

The truth is I’ve been through so much in a span of eight months: having to give up my leadership positions in student clubs, the emotional torture of almost losing my best friend, the feeling of never being enough for my family, my father’s sudden heart attack and my family being in debt have scared me and the pain of all of it stays with me till this very moment. I find it impossible to think of anything else other than this pain. Ensnared in my thoughts, I started to lose my vision of reality around me. I’m constantly processing the tragedies of my past that I’m unable to live in the present. It’s been like this for eight months. There had been no improvement.

I no longer possess any control over my life because things are changing so fast and nothing is shaping up for the better. Perhaps it’s time to try something I’ve never done. Perhaps it’s time to ask for help. But could I ever muster up the strength to share my burdens with someone else? I don’t think so. Everyone’s got enough problems and I’d feel like a monster if I were to force my problems as if they were their own. No, I don’t want to ask to be helped. I want to be helped without asking.

You could say I’m expecting too much from people. The truth is I’m not expecting anything from people. I’m counting on the human beings around me to help me. The ones who are close to me, the ones who love me, the ones who include or have included me in their lives in one way or another. If you’re my friend and you’re going through a major crisis, I’d offer to help you. You wouldn’t have to ask a thing. But I’m an exception to reality I guess… Nobody has time to spare for anybody else other than themselves – and this is what kills me. There is always going to be a limitation to what everyone – even your best friends –  can do for you, but when you help them, you go big and beyond to make them happy and successful. Life just isn’t fair and everybody just advises others not to care too much because caring too much means getting hurt. Yes, this is exactly the kind of world we live in where the values of love and friendship have become the basis of pain and heartache. And sometimes, I can’t help but wish that if the world has become like this, I no longer want any part of it.

Best friends. Best friends help each other no matter what. Or at least that’s what I think they do. Growing up, I never had anyone close enough to call a “friend”. The whole idea of making friends just dawned on me when I entered university and adopted an extroverted outlook for my first two years in university, I’ve come to meet all sorts of people. I was naïve enough to trust everyone I met so there’s no surprise when I tell you I got hurt multiple times. But even when I got to create a circle of the best people I could find, the hurt didn’t end; it took on a new form of social exclusion and misunderstandings. Imagine sitting with your best friends and they’re speaking in their mother tongue which you have no clue of. They’re laughing and bonding and you’re just sitting there trying to make sense of their conversation through contextual clues. And it’s not something that happens once or twice. No, it’s been that way for quite some time and it’s starting to become almost disrespectful. Sometimes I think it’s because my friends have lost their respect for me. I have lost most of the things that define me and that I’m no longer in a position of power to take care of myself or solve my own problems. Or perhaps they’ve stopped making any effort with me…

I’ve always believed that there are no barriers in friendship, not language, not culture, but based on what I have experienced, there are barriers indeed. Imagine being unable to laugh with your friends. Imagine having to find out about their plans from context or from someone else. This kind of behaviour from close friends destroys someone like me. It’s a feeling that you’re not being treated equally – even though you should be for all the love and support you’ve given them. You’re just watching your best friends bond with each other. You’re just a catalyst for their friendship and you’re not part of their moments because you never know about them until they’ve happened. Yes, sensitive souls like me suffer the most when in comes to a situation like this – or any other situation for that matter. We are born to feel too much and to be told not to. That’s our life.

With that, small things that go unnoticed build up into mountains and it affects the one who cares with all of his heart. So if a friend of mine is reading this, how can you help me?

1. Please stop asking me to think different or change. I’ve changed enough to accommodate the furthest reaches of our friendship. Perhaps it’s time for you to make some sacrifices.
2. Be a little more sensitive to who you are with. You’ve known me long enough to be best friends with me and it doesn’t make sense that you’re unclear of what hurts me.
3. Go out of your way to help me – or anyone else for that matter. If you are my best friend, you undoubtedly possess a loving heart. Use it to prove that the world can be a kinder place if everybody just tried.
4. Know my goals and support them. I’m able to constantly overcome my limitations and help you realize your goals. I don’t want to hear that everybody is different. Anyone who cares for the another will find a way to help even if it involves assuming responsibility of something you have less experience in.
5. Make me feel valued and loved. The feeling of being enough is something I’ve been deprived of – even from my own family. Don’t keep me second guessing what I mean to you. Don’t make me doubt our friendship. Don’t make me feel excluded. Don’t make me feel like it’s just that easy to lose you.

Perhaps I’m too tangled up in my feelings. I almost wish I possess a sort of indifference so nothing can really hurt me. But don’t get me wrong: the love and support I’ve received from my friends is tremendous and I wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world. I love my friends deeply but sometimes I can’t help but wonder how it would feel to receive that same intensity of love I give.