{"id":3508,"date":"2020-02-15T15:56:33","date_gmt":"2020-02-15T15:56:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/ambassadors.ucsiuniversity.edu.my\/?p=3508"},"modified":"2020-02-15T15:59:10","modified_gmt":"2020-02-15T15:59:10","slug":"lost","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ambassadors.ucsiuniversity.edu.my\/index.php\/2020\/02\/15\/lost\/","title":{"rendered":"Lost"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

~ I\u2019m floating over a world which is so familiar to me, but I\u2019m no longer a part of it. ~<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Honestly, I feel like I\u2019m not doing much this semester. Just last week, my friend Karam commented that I\u2019ve changed \u2013 and thinking he was talking about how thin I\u2019ve gotten I told him, \u201cYes, I\u2019m losing weight.\u201d To which he said, \u201cNo, that\u2019s not what I\u2019m talking about.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was just as puzzled as everyone sitting at the table. He continued, \u201cYou\u2019re not as active as you used to be.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I fell quiet, half knowing what he said was true and half not knowing how to respond to that. I simply averted by eyes, lowered my gaze and said, \u201cYeah,\u201d before trying to switch our topic of conversation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

At some level, I\u2019ve always known that I\u2019m no longer who I used to be. I\u2019ve grown quieter and more reserved. I found myself straying from social scenes and preferred spending my time alone. I\u2019ve taken a break from the student chapters I was involved in \u2013 Society of Petroleum Engineers and Institute of Chemical Engineers \u2013 because I couldn\u2019t muster up any energy or will to organize and participate in events anymore. I was steadily losing interest in all the things which mattered to me and I was not happy about it. But, till today, it seems like there\u2019s nothing I can do to get myself out of this \u2018unmotivated\u2019 state. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAm I depressed?\u201d I ask myself. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Depression. A word which I\u2019ve avoided using for quite some time now. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the beginning of 2019, I was coping with an immense personal sadness which I harboured inside. I was still functioning as an active and involved student, but I was not okay. I was crushed by the weight of this inexplicable sadness that I found no enjoyment in all my achievements. But I still had the will to change. I still had the will to get better. I knew I had to save myself and I turned to Allah for help. Towards the end of January \u2013 April 2019 semester, thanks to Allah, my family and my best friends, I felt like I found light at the end of the tunnel. I was ready to leave the darkness behind until another incident had me spiralling back down the rabbit hole of depression. And that time, it was worse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Lately, I\u2019ve been straying from social media. Every time I come across someone boasting their success on Facebook or Instagram, I can\u2019t help but feel sad for myself. Don\u2019t get me wrong; I wouldn\u2019t hesitate to congratulate someone for their success, and I\u2019d be genuinely happy for them. What crushes me is that I had never taken the opportunity to praise myself for all the things I\u2019ve done. I had never given a shout out to myself or a pat on the back for a job well done. And now when I\u2019m unable to do anything worth mentioning or \u2018impactful\u2019, I hate myself for not appreciating my accomplishments before. In fact, I hate myself for not having the motivation to do anything. I feel like I\u2019m floating through life \u2013 and not floating in a good way. It feels more like an out-of-body experience where I\u2019m floating over a world which is so familiar to me, but I\u2019m no longer a part of it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Let me tell you one thing. I\u2019m a hypocrite. I dish out good advice, but I never use them. But if you\u2019re going to hear an advice from me today, the first one might as well be to put yourself first before anyone or anything. I for one have grown to become a people pleaser always going out of the depths of my comfort zone to satisfy everyone\u2019s expectations of me. I used to be independent person striving to achieve my personal goals, but that character fell apart when I felt like I was losing someone I deeply cared about. It\u2019s impossible to be in love and be wise at the same time and I was probably the most foolish version of myself that I could be. Knowing that I couldn\u2019t care any less for the person I was involved with, I had chosen to let go of other things which consumed my time and energy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I had quit my part-time job at the library; I didn\u2019t teach my Peer Assisted Learning classes as regularly and effectively as I should have; I put a hold to my scholarship responsibilities; I avoided taking part in various club activities \u2013 and the list goes on. I wasn\u2019t happy to let any of them go but I did and till today, in my darkest moments, I wished I hadn\u2019t done any of that. I wished I knew how to prioritize myself and not care so much for someone before looking after myself first. I had everything I wanted and when I took a break from all the happenings in my life, life took a break from me. I started to lose touch with the events on campus and a lot of people whom I had built connections with. Overtime people started to lose their recognition for me, and I found myself replaced with less-capable people in my positions. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I felt like the whole ordeal I went through was more than pure heartbreak. It felt like a tremendous lesson of you snooze, you lose. And no, I\u2019m not dumping the blame on the person I cared about. I blame myself for letting go of the life I had tried so hard to cultivate for the sake of someone else. I blame myself for never seizing the moment to appreciate all my victories. I blame myself for everything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If my friend Mohsen read this, he\u2019d say, \u201cKo Ko you\u2019re being too hard on yourself again.\u201d And he\u2019d be right. I am too hard on myself. Sometimes I dwell too much in the past, regretting things which have long been swallowed by time and couldn\u2019t be corrected anymore. Like I mentioned in a song called \u201c(Not) Okay\u201d which I wrote for Mohsen, \u201cI can never sleep off my mistakes from yesterday,\u201d, I can never fully forgive myself for all the mistakes I\u2019ve made. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, looking back, there\u2019s some beauty in the madness. And the beauty is that there\u2019s a big lesson to be learned. The message is that you are entitled to take care of yourself before anyone else. You shouldn\u2019t have to compromise or give up defining parts of life for the sake of keeping someone else. When I let go of everything that placed me on the top, I didn\u2019t end up losing everyone. No, my true friends stayed to make me feel okay again and chase the storm away. And I admire our friendship for that. But wouldn\u2019t you agree that what I did, even though it was full-on foolish, was in fact a courageous choice? I had chosen to live my life for someone else and I had given up all the things attached me to without considering the consequences. Not the wisest of decisions but it was one of the bravest things I\u2019ve ever accomplished. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the aftermath of my ordeal, I still am breathing and very much alive \u2013 even though I might not have the energy in to do much just yet. Yes, I feel lost right now but I\u2019m not going to pinpoint the blame on the people in my life. Because no matter the circumstances have been, people I\u2019ve met, for the most part, have been good to me \u2013 especially the ones whom I care about with all my heart. With Allah, my family and my best friends by with me, I will be able to get through my challenges. It\u2019s just that I have to work on how to better take care of myself and I might be back on the proud track of success sooner than I realize. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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