{"id":3564,"date":"2020-02-29T17:08:22","date_gmt":"2020-02-29T17:08:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/ambassadors.ucsiuniversity.edu.my\/?p=3564"},"modified":"2020-02-29T17:08:22","modified_gmt":"2020-02-29T17:08:22","slug":"not-okay","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ambassadors.ucsiuniversity.edu.my\/index.php\/2020\/02\/29\/not-okay\/","title":{"rendered":"(Not) Okay"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

~ In the arms of a friend, I can always start again. ~<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes I find it hard to talk about certain things. I\u2019m at a lost for words especially when a close friend of mine would ask, \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong, Ko Ko?\u201d The truth is when I\u2019m faced with such a question, speech fails me. I simply don\u2019t have the right words to truly express how I\u2019m feeling so I\u2019d probably shrug it off and say, \u201cI\u2019m fine\u201d \u2013 knowing deep down that I\u2019m not. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Over the past year, I\u2019ve been facing this strange inability to voice my feelings. I\u2019ve been bottling everything inside and trust me, the weight of repressed emotions can crush you. Perhaps, I\u2019ve stopped voicing out my feelings because I don\u2019t want anyone to worry about me. I mean everyone\u2019s struggling with their unique brand of problems and I don\u2019t want to add any more to that.  So, whenever I\u2019m not fine \u2013 which is sadly half the time \u2013 I find it easier to pour out my feelings in songs. I\u2019d put all my tangled-up thoughts, sadness and confusion out on paper and I\u2019d be blessed with a moment of relief. This isn\u2019t the healthiest way to deal with my sadness but at least I get something creative out of it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have unreleased collections of songs and poems which I\u2019ve worked on in a span of one year. They\u2019re unreleased for a reason. I had always hoped that my art would help people and make them feel happy. But most of my works deal with mental anguish, pain and depression \u2013 and in today\u2019s world, there\u2019s enough of that darkness without me sharing my anecdotes and perspectives on it. However, when I\u2019m truly touched with love or happiness, I\u2019m able to create something beautiful that could inspire people or paint a smile on their faces. Sadly, despite all the good people around me \u2013 my family and my best friends \u2013 I\u2019m unable to constantly create happiness in my art. I\u2019m aware that life is a blend of tears and joy but I\u2019ve been crying so much that joy feels like an illusion. I\u2019m pretending to be okay because I fear that my sadness might be too much \u2013 even for people who love me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But last week, as I walked back to my dorm after having my usual breakfast at Subway, I felt inspired to write a song called \u201c(Not) Okay\u201d for one of my best friends (Mohsen Khaled). The melody is in my head and no one will probably never hear me sing this song but the lyrics are as follows:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

“(Not)\nOkay”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[Verse\n1:]<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’ve\ngiven up<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\ndon’t have it in me to love myself anymore<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’m\nstill like before and I fall to the floor<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But\nyou pick me up<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\nsay a little love is all I need<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because\nI’m so much more than what I can see<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And\nyou believe in the good man that I can be<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[Chorus:]<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But\nI can never sleep off my mistakes from yesterday<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\ncan never dream of life ever going my way<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can\nI cry on your shoulder?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can\nI count on you to stay?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can\nyou tell me when it’s all over?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can\nyou tell me I’m going to be okay?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[Verse\n2:]<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\nhaven’t given up<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\nfind it in you to love me some more<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’m\nstill like before but you don’t walk out the door<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\nlift me up<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\nsay I shouldn’t cry too much<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’ve\ngone cold to the touch<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But\nyou say my smile could warm everyone up<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[Chorus:]<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But\nI can never sleep off my mistakes from yesterday<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\ncan never dream of life ever going my way<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can\nI cry on your shoulder?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can\nI count on you to stay?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can\nyou tell me when it’s all over?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can\nyou tell me I’m going to be okay?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[Bridge:]<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Life’s\nblur like a super 8 movie<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\nfeel like I’m fading slowly<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes\nI don’t even want to try<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And\njust disappear from the light<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But\nyou tell me to listen closely<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It’s\nokay if I’ve lost everything<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When\nyou hold me in your hands, I don’t have to pretend<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\nsay in the arms of a friend, I can always start again<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[Chorus:]<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But\nI can never sleep off my mistakes from yesterday<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\ncan never dream of life ever going my way<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can\nI cry on your shoulder?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can\nI count on you to stay?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can\nyou tell me when it’s all over?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can\nyou tell me I’m going to be okay?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[Outro:]<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can\nyou tell me I’m going to be okay?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can\nyou tell me I’m going to be okay?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

With you I know I’m going to be okay…<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

This song is basically a thank-you letter to one of my dearest friends, Mohsen Khaled. I\u2019ve known Mohsen for the longest amongst all my friends and he\u2019s truly taken care of me like I\u2019m his little brother. The song starts with me singing that I\u2019ve lost the ability to love myself and I don\u2019t want to try anymore. It\u2019s true, I don\u2019t love myself enough. I never truly appreciate myself and I always feel like I\u2019m never good enough. But Mohsen there\u2019s to pick me up from the cold hard floor to comfort me, saying that a little love is all I need to realize the good, lovable man I can be because there\u2019s so much more to me than my sadness. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m being brutally honest in the chorus. I\u2019m an overthinker and I don\u2019t forget things easily \u2013 especially if it was a mistake I made. I\u2019ll be overwhelmed with guilt that I will not able to do think of anything else other than the error in something I did or said. I haven\u2019t been doing so well for quite some time now and I can\u2019t help but feel like life\u2019s plotting against me. I\u2019ve been brave and holding back my tears for long that I find it impossible to carry on this charade any longer. I\u2019m asking Mohsen if I can cry on his shoulder and if he will stay to comfort me, to support me. I\u2019m asking him to save me from my life because I\u2019ve lost all control of it and to wake me up when the ordeal is all over. I just want to be reassured that I\u2019m going to be okay because I can\u2019t seem to believe that anymore. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The opening line \u201cYou haven\u2019t given up\u201d in the second verse contradicts to the \u201cI\u2019ve given up\u201d line in the first verse. I wrote this verse in Mohsen\u2019s point of view as if he\u2019s saying me that even if I have stopped loving myself, he will continue to love harder and that he isn\u2019t going to walk out the door because I\u2019m still unable to let go of my sadness and it\u2019s difficult to love me. He encourages me to smile because even though I\u2019ve gone cold with the blues, my smile is warm enough to light up everyone in the entire town. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, the bridge of the song was the second thing I wrote after the chorus. The first line \u201cLife\u2019s blur like a super 8 movie\u201d references my affinity for vintage super 8 cameras and their ability to generate poor lit and scratchy footage. It\u2019s like my life is a movie and it\u2019s poorly lit and I\u2019m fading slowly. And I\u2019m going to let it happen because I don\u2019t have the strength to try anymore. But with Mohsen\u2019s love and support, I\u2019m told that it\u2019s going even if I\u2019ve lost the world I knew because with him there\u2019s simply no need to pretend that everything\u2019s going well. I can be not okay in his arms and I can always count on him to start again. The lines \u201cWhen you hold me in your hands, I don\u2019t have to pretend. In the arms of a friend, I can always start again,\u201d are my favourite and it defines the strongest bond of friendship I have with my best friend Mohsen \u2013 the kind of friendship that doesn\u2019t come by in a lifetime.  And if he is reading this, I want him to know that he, along with my best friends, are truly gifts from Allah and I\u2019d never trade them for the world because they are all the happiness I could ever wish for in my life.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
Throwback to Mohsen’s Wedding<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When you hold me in your hands, I don’t have to pretend. You say in the arms of a friend, I can always start again. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":102,"featured_media":3565,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false},"categories":[137,139,128,154,1],"tags":[361,223,170,360,111,145],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ambassadors.ucsiuniversity.edu.my\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3564"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ambassadors.ucsiuniversity.edu.my\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ambassadors.ucsiuniversity.edu.my\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ambassadors.ucsiuniversity.edu.my\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/102"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ambassadors.ucsiuniversity.edu.my\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3564"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/ambassadors.ucsiuniversity.edu.my\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3564\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3655,"href":"https:\/\/ambassadors.ucsiuniversity.edu.my\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3564\/revisions\/3655"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ambassadors.ucsiuniversity.edu.my\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3565"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ambassadors.ucsiuniversity.edu.my\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3564"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ambassadors.ucsiuniversity.edu.my\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3564"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ambassadors.ucsiuniversity.edu.my\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3564"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}