(Not) Okay

~ In the arms of a friend, I can always start again. ~

Sometimes I find it hard to talk about certain things. I’m at a lost for words especially when a close friend of mine would ask, “What’s wrong, Ko Ko?” The truth is when I’m faced with such a question, speech fails me. I simply don’t have the right words to truly express how I’m feeling so I’d probably shrug it off and say, “I’m fine” – knowing deep down that I’m not.

Over the past year, I’ve been facing this strange inability to voice my feelings. I’ve been bottling everything inside and trust me, the weight of repressed emotions can crush you. Perhaps, I’ve stopped voicing out my feelings because I don’t want anyone to worry about me. I mean everyone’s struggling with their unique brand of problems and I don’t want to add any more to that.  So, whenever I’m not fine – which is sadly half the time – I find it easier to pour out my feelings in songs. I’d put all my tangled-up thoughts, sadness and confusion out on paper and I’d be blessed with a moment of relief. This isn’t the healthiest way to deal with my sadness but at least I get something creative out of it.

I have unreleased collections of songs and poems which I’ve worked on in a span of one year. They’re unreleased for a reason. I had always hoped that my art would help people and make them feel happy. But most of my works deal with mental anguish, pain and depression – and in today’s world, there’s enough of that darkness without me sharing my anecdotes and perspectives on it. However, when I’m truly touched with love or happiness, I’m able to create something beautiful that could inspire people or paint a smile on their faces. Sadly, despite all the good people around me – my family and my best friends – I’m unable to constantly create happiness in my art. I’m aware that life is a blend of tears and joy but I’ve been crying so much that joy feels like an illusion. I’m pretending to be okay because I fear that my sadness might be too much – even for people who love me.

But last week, as I walked back to my dorm after having my usual breakfast at Subway, I felt inspired to write a song called “(Not) Okay” for one of my best friends (Mohsen Khaled). The melody is in my head and no one will probably never hear me sing this song but the lyrics are as follows:

This song is basically a thank-you letter to one of my dearest friends, Mohsen Khaled. I’ve known Mohsen for the longest amongst all my friends and he’s truly taken care of me like I’m his little brother. The song starts with me singing that I’ve lost the ability to love myself and I don’t want to try anymore. It’s true, I don’t love myself enough. I never truly appreciate myself and I always feel like I’m never good enough. But Mohsen there’s to pick me up from the cold hard floor to comfort me, saying that a little love is all I need to realize the good, lovable man I can be because there’s so much more to me than my sadness.

I’m being brutally honest in the chorus. I’m an overthinker and I don’t forget things easily – especially if it was a mistake I made. I’ll be overwhelmed with guilt that I will not able to do think of anything else other than the error in something I did or said. I haven’t been doing so well for quite some time now and I can’t help but feel like life’s plotting against me. I’ve been brave and holding back my tears for long that I find it impossible to carry on this charade any longer. I’m asking Mohsen if I can cry on his shoulder and if he will stay to comfort me, to support me. I’m asking him to save me from my life because I’ve lost all control of it and to wake me up when the ordeal is all over. I just want to be reassured that I’m going to be okay because I can’t seem to believe that anymore.

The opening line “You haven’t given up” in the second verse contradicts to the “I’ve given up” line in the first verse. I wrote this verse in Mohsen’s point of view as if he’s saying me that even if I have stopped loving myself, he will continue to love harder and that he isn’t going to walk out the door because I’m still unable to let go of my sadness and it’s difficult to love me. He encourages me to smile because even though I’ve gone cold with the blues, my smile is warm enough to light up everyone in the entire town.

Now, the bridge of the song was the second thing I wrote after the chorus. The first line “Life’s blur like a super 8 movie” references my affinity for vintage super 8 cameras and their ability to generate poor lit and scratchy footage. It’s like my life is a movie and it’s poorly lit and I’m fading slowly. And I’m going to let it happen because I don’t have the strength to try anymore. But with Mohsen’s love and support, I’m told that it’s going even if I’ve lost the world I knew because with him there’s simply no need to pretend that everything’s going well. I can be not okay in his arms and I can always count on him to start again. The lines “When you hold me in your hands, I don’t have to pretend. In the arms of a friend, I can always start again,” are my favourite and it defines the strongest bond of friendship I have with my best friend Mohsen – the kind of friendship that doesn’t come by in a lifetime.  And if he is reading this, I want him to know that he, along with my best friends, are truly gifts from Allah and I’d never trade them for the world because they are all the happiness I could ever wish for in my life.