Lost
~ I’m floating over a world which is so familiar to me, but I’m no longer a part of it. ~
Honestly, I feel like I’m not doing much this semester. Just last week, my friend Karam commented that I’ve changed – and thinking he was talking about how thin I’ve gotten I told him, “Yes, I’m losing weight.” To which he said, “No, that’s not what I’m talking about.”
I was just as puzzled as everyone sitting at the table. He continued, “You’re not as active as you used to be.”
I fell quiet, half knowing what he said was true and half not knowing how to respond to that. I simply averted by eyes, lowered my gaze and said, “Yeah,” before trying to switch our topic of conversation.
At some level, I’ve always known that I’m no longer who I used to be. I’ve grown quieter and more reserved. I found myself straying from social scenes and preferred spending my time alone. I’ve taken a break from the student chapters I was involved in – Society of Petroleum Engineers and Institute of Chemical Engineers – because I couldn’t muster up any energy or will to organize and participate in events anymore. I was steadily losing interest in all the things which mattered to me and I was not happy about it. But, till today, it seems like there’s nothing I can do to get myself out of this ‘unmotivated’ state.
“Am I depressed?” I ask myself.
Depression. A word which I’ve avoided using for quite some time now.
In the beginning of 2019, I was coping with an immense personal sadness which I harboured inside. I was still functioning as an active and involved student, but I was not okay. I was crushed by the weight of this inexplicable sadness that I found no enjoyment in all my achievements. But I still had the will to change. I still had the will to get better. I knew I had to save myself and I turned to Allah for help. Towards the end of January – April 2019 semester, thanks to Allah, my family and my best friends, I felt like I found light at the end of the tunnel. I was ready to leave the darkness behind until another incident had me spiralling back down the rabbit hole of depression. And that time, it was worse.
Lately, I’ve been straying from social media. Every time I come across someone boasting their success on Facebook or Instagram, I can’t help but feel sad for myself. Don’t get me wrong; I wouldn’t hesitate to congratulate someone for their success, and I’d be genuinely happy for them. What crushes me is that I had never taken the opportunity to praise myself for all the things I’ve done. I had never given a shout out to myself or a pat on the back for a job well done. And now when I’m unable to do anything worth mentioning or ‘impactful’, I hate myself for not appreciating my accomplishments before. In fact, I hate myself for not having the motivation to do anything. I feel like I’m floating through life – and not floating in a good way. It feels more like an out-of-body experience where I’m floating over a world which is so familiar to me, but I’m no longer a part of it.
Let me tell you one thing. I’m a hypocrite. I dish out good advice, but I never use them. But if you’re going to hear an advice from me today, the first one might as well be to put yourself first before anyone or anything. I for one have grown to become a people pleaser always going out of the depths of my comfort zone to satisfy everyone’s expectations of me. I used to be independent person striving to achieve my personal goals, but that character fell apart when I felt like I was losing someone I deeply cared about. It’s impossible to be in love and be wise at the same time and I was probably the most foolish version of myself that I could be. Knowing that I couldn’t care any less for the person I was involved with, I had chosen to let go of other things which consumed my time and energy.
I had quit my part-time job at the library; I didn’t teach my Peer Assisted Learning classes as regularly and effectively as I should have; I put a hold to my scholarship responsibilities; I avoided taking part in various club activities – and the list goes on. I wasn’t happy to let any of them go but I did and till today, in my darkest moments, I wished I hadn’t done any of that. I wished I knew how to prioritize myself and not care so much for someone before looking after myself first. I had everything I wanted and when I took a break from all the happenings in my life, life took a break from me. I started to lose touch with the events on campus and a lot of people whom I had built connections with. Overtime people started to lose their recognition for me, and I found myself replaced with less-capable people in my positions.
I felt like the whole ordeal I went through was more than pure heartbreak. It felt like a tremendous lesson of you snooze, you lose. And no, I’m not dumping the blame on the person I cared about. I blame myself for letting go of the life I had tried so hard to cultivate for the sake of someone else. I blame myself for never seizing the moment to appreciate all my victories. I blame myself for everything.
If my friend Mohsen read this, he’d say, “Ko Ko you’re being too hard on yourself again.” And he’d be right. I am too hard on myself. Sometimes I dwell too much in the past, regretting things which have long been swallowed by time and couldn’t be corrected anymore. Like I mentioned in a song called “(Not) Okay” which I wrote for Mohsen, “I can never sleep off my mistakes from yesterday,”, I can never fully forgive myself for all the mistakes I’ve made.
However, looking back, there’s some beauty in the madness. And the beauty is that there’s a big lesson to be learned. The message is that you are entitled to take care of yourself before anyone else. You shouldn’t have to compromise or give up defining parts of life for the sake of keeping someone else. When I let go of everything that placed me on the top, I didn’t end up losing everyone. No, my true friends stayed to make me feel okay again and chase the storm away. And I admire our friendship for that. But wouldn’t you agree that what I did, even though it was full-on foolish, was in fact a courageous choice? I had chosen to live my life for someone else and I had given up all the things attached me to without considering the consequences. Not the wisest of decisions but it was one of the bravest things I’ve ever accomplished.
In the aftermath of my ordeal, I still am breathing and very much alive – even though I might not have the energy in to do much just yet. Yes, I feel lost right now but I’m not going to pinpoint the blame on the people in my life. Because no matter the circumstances have been, people I’ve met, for the most part, have been good to me – especially the ones whom I care about with all my heart. With Allah, my family and my best friends by with me, I will be able to get through my challenges. It’s just that I have to work on how to better take care of myself and I might be back on the proud track of success sooner than I realize.
